I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
