I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
