we have officially lost it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
