she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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