I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
and you fell through a lawn chair
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
