Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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