just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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