How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
