Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
