tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
