My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
