i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
