Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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