proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
