I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize
