Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
