The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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