Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
