i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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