Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
