HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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