Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
