My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
