I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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