Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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