I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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