I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
