Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
