If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
