I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
