I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize