I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
