Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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