No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
