right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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