If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
