my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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