I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize