woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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