Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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