I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
