i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
