Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
