Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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