shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
