Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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