All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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