I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
