He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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