god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
