I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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