He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
