please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
