I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
