Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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