So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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