you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
