we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
