She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
