do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
