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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is Oprah even human
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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