My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
A bitchslap is in order.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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