she woke up with a sticky ear
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
