i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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