I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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