If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
