I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
